Watch this.  Then read.  http://www.wset.com/story/17279194/family-reacts-to-toddlers-death

It has been a hard week for me.  A mix of grief and concern, followed by confused introspection.  I have been attending Amherst Dance Academy since October 2010.  Joy Buendorf fully accepted me even though I was a 20-some-year rusty tap dancer, over 200lbs, and the oldest dancer.  She set the tone for the other dancers as well, and I was very quickly accepted into the fold.  This meant a great deal to me, especially with all my insecurities at the time.

ADA has always been a different kind of studio.  It's not like any other I've ever attended.  It's more of a family than a studio.  I only attened once a week last year, but this year I enrolled all my old-enough children and myself taking two classes, one of which I assisted and now am the lead teacher.  I spent about seven hours a week among the folks at ADA.  I enjoy being there and getting to know Joy and the teachers and the office folk and the dancers and the parents.  This is my outlet, and I become an inlet for all the positive "juice" that flows in that place.

It was just a beautiful Tuesday afternoon when Katie called me and left a message.  She NEVER calls.  She has only texted before.  She called to say classes were cancelled, and within two hours it was announced that Josie had died.

Usually, when something like this happens I maintain control and go into manager mode.  Usually, I'm the last to emotionally react.  Usually, I DO NOT immediately fall to the ground and burst out into tears.  Usually, I DO NOT hustle to my bedroom, pull the covers over my face, and after catching my breath, begin to cry and writhe in my bed.  Usually, I worry about myself that I may not have enough compassion for others because USUALLY I DON'T HURT LIKE THIS OVER TERRIBLE THINGS!

I hear about terrible stuff all the time.  It's the nature of this day in age.  But when it strikes close to home, to people you just know are wonderful people, and you know it easily could have been you and your baby... and that little girl who came visiting with her family last month... you know the one you see every Tuesday night when her Daddy comes to pick up her big sister from ballet class... you know, when all this stuff comes together.... well, it's just different.  You know?

I've been like a zombie for two days.  Life is just flat and bland right now.  I can see the butterflies, and feel the sunshine, and run my fingers through my own toddler's hair, but there's still some kind of disconnect in my soul.  I know that, just two miles down the road, my friend Joy Buendorf and her family are suffering deeply.  And let me tell you, the news video isn't showing everything.  Some people grieve outwardly, and others like to do it behind closed doors.  Not in front of the camera for all the world to see.

So I'm a bit confused.  A little surprised with myself.  I'm not Josie's mom, or her family, or even any way related to these people.  We don't have some grand friendship, and I've never really gotten to know Joy's children yet.  I didn't really have any sort of personal relationship with Josie at all.  I've seen her lots and cooed over her as a baby when she visited the studio, etc.  So why am I hurting so bad?  And who am I to mourn to this degree?

I was just sitting blandly at my dining room table this afternoon, wondering when Sonny was going to get home, aching in my own loneliness, when one of the girls close to the Buendorf family texted me and asked, "And how are you?"  And out of no where I just burst into tears.  I ran my hands down my wet, hot face as tears shot out like raindrops, and, after I composed myself, I texted back: "I feel very alone in my grief. Maybe because I'm not directly in relationship with Josie I keep telling myself I shouldn't suffer as much as others... but I am.  All that to say, I think I'm taking it harder than anyone may think... more than even I would expect.  Maybe because I'm a mom, I'm really hurting for Joy."

*sigh*  I haven't really seen much of my husband since Sunday afternoon.  He doesn't come home on Mondays until 9pm, I got the news about Josie right after he came home on Tuesday so I took benadryl and went to bed, and he stayed three hours late at school on Wednesday and Thursday.  He has absolutely no clue how I feel about any of this.  He's the one I'd like to talk with the most, to share how I feel.  But he's a guy.  He doesn't "get it" when it comes to feelings.  The only thing he "got" today was that the house was a mess when he came home.  And the only thing I got was a distant husband who "didn't like being handed a messy house."

If only he knew how many times my mind whispered "Josie" and "Joy" today.  Then maybe he would have understood why the house wasn't clean when he got home three hours late from school.

I have A LOT of ideas.  Ideas for this and that.  I repress a lot of them, because I have had so many experiences of feeling like a fool when presenting them to others. 

Our tap teacher rarely asks us for our input regarding our performance wear, but due to lack of selection, sizes, etc., she asked us for input.  We really didn't come up with anything solid so I decided "This is not my problem, so I'm not going to worry about it."  Ohhhh, but it's SO FUN to design costumes! 

When I was seven or eight years old I would hand-sew dance costumes, and then would create some kind of show so that I could use them.  Inviting the neighborhood and dragging my friends into it, we would perform right out on the front porch.

I was always full of ideas: lip-sync and talent shows, building and craft projects, and secret clubhouses.  The adults who were in my life as a child now report how "busy" I always was.  "Never a dull moment when you were around.  We never saw our kids because you'd be dragging them here and there, trying to carry out some fancy idea."

I guess people just marveled and smiled at my many ideas as a child.  But as I got older I began to get the message that I was not acting my age, being childish, and foolish.  Maybe peers gave me those sneers because they were jealous that they didn't come up with the idea.  But then again, my peers generally didn't like me anyway. I don't know.  My teachers seemed to like my creativity.

My creative ideas were used in my schoolwork, and in my college experiences.  I flourished as a student teacher, and even had loads of fun in my job as an orchestra teacher- never doing anything entirely "by the book."  But as a married woman, and then a mom, my creativity really slowed down due to the cares and responsibilities of the season.  In my insecurity I so badly just wanted to be "normal" like all the other moms out there.  I didn't want to draw attention to myself, so I hid. 

But hiding and squelching seems to have backfired.  I'm a miserable creator.  A "stuffed-in-a-box" artist.  It totally sucks.

A "costume problem" was just too enticing NOT to care about.  I pulled out some scrap material, pieced this and that together, and made something really not-quite-what-I-wanted.  But that didn't stop me.  So I tacked this up, and stitched that, and pulled and tweaked until I created something I really believed would work for the type of routine, body types, practicality, manufacturing time (recital in three weeks), and price.

But then that feeling came again.  Just hide it in the closet. They probably won't like it.  It's too "old lady-ish."  It's too boring.  Besides, the teacher is probably tired of all your ideas: your ideas for choreography, approach, music, classes offered, logistics, interior decorating, ...bartering.  You try too hard and now you're being annoying.

But then I remembered that I don't need other people's approval to feel good about myself.  *I* think it's a nice costume.  And if they don't like it that's ok.  They don't have to use this design.  But I'll never know if I don't at least propose the idea.

It took me 18 hours to muster up the nerve to be able to make the suggestion via a text message.  And it has been more hours of maintenance to keep my mind from slipping into anticipation of rejection- even though I haven't heard back from the teacher.  More than anything I hope that no one asks me to model it.

I have so many ideas that I'm too afraid to really go with.  Several book titles and outlines.  Music CD's.  Music videos for others' music.  Clothing design.  Wall colors and remodeling projects.  Ministry ideas from benevolence to pro-life support.  Work-at-home ideas that I'm too afraid to even start.  Even some gizmo-gagets that I wish I could officially patent and market.

Why am I so afraid?  Afraid of failure?

Had my annual today.  (how's that to start a public blog post?... when have I EVER been discreet about stuff like this anyway?)  It's been kind of a sad day.  The Dr. confirmed everything I already knew: rectocele, cystocele, and it's only going to get worse (as it already has).  If you don't know what those two things are, google it.

I'm not in pain, but can have difficulty going numero dos, while numero uno happens even when I don't want it to.  The Dr. said I had three options:

#1  Do nothing, and just put up with it.  When/IF it ever comes to the point of doing something about it, it will be when I say, "That's it!  I've had enough and I can't deal with this anymore."

#2  Pessary.  This is a contraption that works kind of like a scaffolding to hold everything up and in place.  It's meant more for older woman, and it doesn't really work well anyway.  I've read it's way more hassle than it's worth.

#3 Surgery.  In a nutshell, have a full hysterectomy, tack "this" and "that" back in place and add mesh if necessary, and "sling the urethra up." (sounds painful)  Then, when gravity and age has had it's liberty I would probably have to have surgery again, since I'm so young as it is.  Of course they can do it without a hysterectomy, but then I'd have to have a surgical redo sooner rather than later.  And even with a hysterectomy, other things are going to start falling down into the cavity where the uterus used to be.  (Dang it!  Men don't have to suffer like this at all!  Ppphhhhhhhhffft!)

So I decided on Option 1.

The sad part is that I have this problem, and it's not going to improve much with kegals.  Furthermore, it will get worse with time anyway.  If for some reason I get pregnant again the damage to my pelvic floor will get worse QUICKER! 

Sad indeed.  Makes me want to cry really.  I have to choose between the hope of another baby (not like I was really all that interested in being pregnant again anyway, but it's still a hope... hard to explain) and keeping my uterus for as long as possible.

This.totally.sucks.

So I talk to my hubby about it, and all he can think about is faith and religion.  That's all fine and dandy, but I'm the one who's genetalia is falling out!  And I don't care how much faith I try to conjure up, God is probably not going to miraculously fix my prolapse this side of Heaven.

So it's hard.    Sad.

If I only live 'til 70 then this is my midlife crisis. 

I am fighting the reality that I may never be able to go back and feel that feeling again.  The feeling of what it's like to slide into a split, or ease into a backwalkover, or heck, to ever be able to look in a mirror and like "how I look in that dress."

This lamenting is not be confused with me- my identity in Christ- who I am as Angela.  But physically, I regret having allowed myself to deteriorate possibly to the point of no return. 

Been kind of a tough day.  Not depressed or angry.  Just bored.  VERY BORED.  Bored of life- the mundane repetitive nature of housewifedom.  And I sometimes think that all those talents that I have, in music and dance and speaking and writing and WHATEVER, are just wasted.

I have an amazing singing talent, but it's wasted because I have no support.  What I really mean to say is, we're completely broke and on the brink of a real financial crisis, and a little income can be made if I'd just record a Christmas CD and sell it to friends and family.  Hoping to pay for that trip/vacation to MA to see family this Janurary.  But I'm not any good at recording.  If someone would set me up with the mic and some background music, I could do it.  But I don't have that kind of support.

I have other talents, too.  But they just get ignored because I don't have time for them.  My life is poured out in general labor.  And it's labor that is never done, and rarely appreciated.  Certainly taken for granted. 

Today, I feel very taken for granted.  Today, I feel like expectations have been made, and satisfaction is nonexistent.

Today, I feel like a waste. 

There are so many things I could have done and could still do.  But instead, I'm cooking good crockpot meals that no one wants to eat, washing red plastic bowls that are dirtied again with the next meal, and sweeping white linoleum that never looks clean. 

Today, I feel like crap.

I miss updating my xanga.  But you know what?  Now that I have no internet at home I just don't think of updating when I'm at the library or picking up wifi from somewhere. 

So, what's going on with me? 

I'm doing real well.  I don't know what I mentioned the last time I spoke of my recovery journey- depression, anger, and feeling like a piece of crap all the time- but that has been going real well.  I got off the anti-depressant again quite a while back.  There were some withdrawl symptoms such as drastic mood swings and "brain zaps" that are kind of like a zippy feeling of dizziness.  The mood swings are gone, and the brain zaps happen once in a blue moon.  However, I still have ringing in my ears and mild hearing loss.

As for the tinnitus and hearing loss, I went to an ENT and had a hearing test done.  That was the loudest sound-proof room I've ever been in.  All I could hear was the ringing!  I thought for sure I'd have a bad result because I couldn't hardly hear the upper tones, but it came out that I only had mild hearing loss.  Still, at 35yrs old with no occupational decibal hazards (unless kids screaming is a hazard) it's a mystery as to why I'm having these problems.  It came on quickly (the tinnitus and hearing loss) and I thought it was due to the anti-depressant.  Tinnitus may be, but unfortunately it's probably a permanent thing.  But the hearing loss?  The ENT looked in my ears and said "nothing is wrong with your ears" and figured I'd see him in 20 years for hearing aids.  Then I had my SIL (who's a doctor) look in my ears and she said I was full of scar tissue.  (lots of ear infections)  So I made an appointment with a whole different ENT that is set for mid-November.  I just don't want to go deaf.  I'm a musician!!!

Now that I don't have internet at my disposal I've become a little more productive at home.  I play piano a lot, and have been sewing some.  But none of that competes with the loneliness I experience in the latter half of the day when I'm tired from housecleaning, cooking, and chasing children and Sonny isn't home yet.  *sigh*  I get very lonely.  But I'm working on all that.

I have all of my children (except Daniel) enrolled at the dance studio where I go for Tap class.  Cassie, Grace, and Frank take ballet.  Glory takes a ballet-tap class.  And Seth takes tumbling.  I assist the tumbling teacher so it's been fun to do cartwheels and handstands and whatever that I used to be able to do and can only barely do now.  Mostly because I'm overweight.  And partly because I lost a lot of flexibility.  Anyway, the lead teacher had a baby a couple days ago so I've been subbing.  It's fun, but I just don't know what to do with 3yo's who get tired and start to lay around and cry for their moms.  Thankfully there are only two 3yo's, and they're really sweet, but still... they spent the last 5 minutes crying (faking it) because they were tired and didn't want to participate anymore.  Otherwise, teaching that class was a success.

Not much else to say.  I bought some stuff at a vintage shop we have in town- a baker's hutch (which I totally LOVE), a large framed print of two women sitting around a piano (which I totally love) and today I'll be picking up a "shabby chic" style girl's wardrobe with a mirror on the front door.  That's for my girls.  I TOTALLY LOVE IT!

So that's all for now.  Just checking in.